Social Media Overload

So, as I waited for my Jasmine Dragon Phoenix Pearl Iced Tea at a neighborhood coffee shop I discovered on Yelp (with a 5 star rating), I checked in on Foursquare only to discover that the local Mayor was a Facebook friend who had just posted on my wall a Youtube Video of he and the girl he met on eHarmony (or was it Ban.jo?) at the party last night that I forgot to RSVP to on Evite.  While this elevated my FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) anxiety, I forgot to Pinng because I was too busy writing a recommendation for a former co-worker on Linkedin, who according to Plaxo worked with me, though I don’t believe we ever met, when I was interrupted by a question on Quora about my social media infographic collection on Tumblr (which used to be on Flickr, before I moved it to Picasa, but I digress).  No sooner had I checked-in, than my tweetdeck showed a tweet that I could have saved $3 on my drink with a Groupon had I bothered to check my email.  I didn’t get to opening my email yet, which is why I was going to the coffee shop in the first place because my inbox was exploding with hundreds of people adding me to their circles on Google+. (It’s a hellish time-consuming task organizing all these souls into circles which is why I guess, Satan is so good at it.)

Then, I suddenly heard a stranger across the room call out my name, “Jay” with an air of excitement and immediacy. I wasn’t sure I recognized him. He looked like a guy following me on Namesake, or was it Scoville.  Maybe he was that jet-setter guy with the tri-band 4G Droid I met at a TED conference who invited me to join A Small World to save money on yacht rentals –as if.  No, it was the Barista (his apron and the fact he was behind the counter gave me clues to his identity) who had – in just under twenty minutes – skillfully managed to pour Jasmine Dragon Phoenix Pearl Tea into a plastic cup of ice.

Now I am old enough to remember when being a good friend was spending time together or at least a phone call now and then.  But who has time?  With thousands of “friends” expecting me to send them crops for their farms, poison darts for the Empires, and Space Robots for their Yovilles (don’t ask, I have no idea),who has time to Skype or Facetime any more, let alone meet.  Social Media is killing my social life.  After all, with a Klout score of 56 to maintain and thousands of Twitter followers hanging on my every word, who has time to actually live life?  Gowalla is supposed to make it easier to keep track of the fun everyone else is having, but not my pals on Yammer and my Ning community of advertising executives.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the interconnectedness we all share thanks to social media.  I enjoy crowdsourcing my news and getting music suggestions from friends on Pandora, Turntable.fm and Spotify.  It’s the constant fragmentation and mass migration of photos, friends, and faux-friends that I detest.  According to my faux-friend Zuckerberg (I put him in his own circle: People I wish would adopt me), the average Facebook user has 130 “friends,” is connected to 80 community pages, groups and events, and creates 90 new pieces of content each month. Combine that with the 3339 texts per month the average Millennials get and is it any wonder our kids are stressed. OMG!  And if 130 dear friends are not enough, the whole premise behind MyYearbook and Tagged is to communicate with people you don’t even know.

But again, I digress. I am here sitting alone, trying to enjoy the coffee house ambience, leisurely sip my fragrant iced tea, and catch up on email.  According to Gartner, most Americans check their email six times a day (I’m so above average on this count that I should get one of those honor student bumper stickers) and spend 49 minutes per day managing their inbox. In between all the notices of everyone who is joining, following, commenting, adding, and daily dealing, there are the reminders of birthdays of people I met once and Meetups with strangers that share interests I used to have the time to enjoy.  I now only have time to enjoy these activities virtually.   With a few taps on my iPad I can Flick Golf, shoot some hoops with a friend on NBA Jam, or tout my verbal prowess with the Scramblesque Words with Friends. With 83 App installs per year, the average iphone user should never feel bored or alone.  So why do we?

We are tribal by nature and hunger for social connections that help us establish our place in the universe. At its best, social media allows the individual to cast a wider net in finding those with whom we share the same interests, values and disposition.  The Arab Spring, Causes and SocialVibe are examples of the good that can come from strangers sharing a common purpose.  At its worst, social media technologies are a collage of bits and pieces of fleeting social interactions inventoried and assembled, whose parts never quite make us whole.  Samuel Johnston aptly noted, “True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice.”  That’s my goal for today, I think to myself as I sip my now tepid iced tea, I will clear my in box, unfriend, unlink, and uncircle.  I will regain control of my social life.

My solitary bliss is interrupted by my phone’s ringtone of the Beatles’ Your Mother Should Know. “Hi Mom, I’m fine” I answer, thankful that I have maintained at least one real world friend.